Sorry for the title it is just how I feel.
Ok 8 years ago on Mothers Day I was to go over to my moms house and we were going to go out to lunch. I called her to say I would be an hour late because I was going to the 11 am mass instead of the 10 am. We are talking one hour. She threw a complete hissy fit and went on and on about not bothering to come blah blah blah. At this point in my life I was married only a year; something that my mother didn't take well as I seemed to be her companion in life up until my marriage and my leaving was not a good thing. I tired as best I could to include her and do things with her since I knew that she was all alone. My mom has a way like no other human being to get under my skin, at the young age of 26 you can imagine just how much head butting was going on. (sorry I reread that paragraph and it is all over the place but I am going to leave it because it is how I feel)
So she continued to rip me a new one and fire off some pretty nasty comments for not coming at the time I said and I got right down in the dirt with her and started to sling back the insults. This is something I am totally not proud of but I had been pushed into a corner and I really felt as if being a hour late to go to church for God's sake was a reasonable request. I ended up not seeing her for Mothers Day, pretty much the day was ruined.
Since then every single Mothers Day, my mom has rubbed that argument in my face and why should this Mothers Day be any different then the others. This morning while I was on the phone with her (I talked to her about every other day) I asked her if she would like to join us at the baseball game this Sunday, Mother's Day. I thought since we have a new stadium here in DC and the fact that I know she likes baseball and would be able to see me and I would get to be with my family it would be a win/win. Not in her eyes apparently, she flatly turned me down and proceeded to say that since our argument 8 YEARS AGO!!!!, that Mothers Day really doesn't mean much to her. Ok I said, then she asked "are you going?" Well uh yeah that is why I asked you if you wanted to come I thought, but instead I said "I am not sure." I was pissed at myself because I should have said what I was thinking. It is my Mothers Day too and I want to spend it with my kids, and for the record it wouldn't have made a difference if I said come over for dinner, let's go shopping, or whatever because it isn't totally about her she isn't going to do anything.
But you think it ends there???? Oh no!!!!!!!
So I am in my office, and the phone rings, I can see it is my mom so I pick up thinking she may have had a change of heart. No she called to ask if I had bought the ferns I talked about last week then says, "Oh by the way don't send me flowers for mothers day, I have plenty of cut flowers in the house and I don't need it to look like a funeral home here." Oh course I have already ordered flowers! I responded "fine" then the conversation ended.
WTF!!!!! am I going to have to pay for this for the rest of my life???? I have apologized a gazillion times for the fight we had 8 years ago, I have tired to make up for it in every way possible but yet I keep getting smacked in the face by this woman. I have really had about enough with the games and truthfully if it weren't for the fact I am all the family this woman has I think I would just walk away. As I type this I can feel my blood pressure rising, my face getting red and my whole body tensing up.
In the past I have tried to go back after a conversation like this and tell her it hurts me but I always get the "well you should have thought of that before you did what you did speech" This time I feel like saying "whatever" and going about my Mothers Day the way I choose.
Thoughts???
Ok 8 years ago on Mothers Day I was to go over to my moms house and we were going to go out to lunch. I called her to say I would be an hour late because I was going to the 11 am mass instead of the 10 am. We are talking one hour. She threw a complete hissy fit and went on and on about not bothering to come blah blah blah. At this point in my life I was married only a year; something that my mother didn't take well as I seemed to be her companion in life up until my marriage and my leaving was not a good thing. I tired as best I could to include her and do things with her since I knew that she was all alone. My mom has a way like no other human being to get under my skin, at the young age of 26 you can imagine just how much head butting was going on. (sorry I reread that paragraph and it is all over the place but I am going to leave it because it is how I feel)
So she continued to rip me a new one and fire off some pretty nasty comments for not coming at the time I said and I got right down in the dirt with her and started to sling back the insults. This is something I am totally not proud of but I had been pushed into a corner and I really felt as if being a hour late to go to church for God's sake was a reasonable request. I ended up not seeing her for Mothers Day, pretty much the day was ruined.
Since then every single Mothers Day, my mom has rubbed that argument in my face and why should this Mothers Day be any different then the others. This morning while I was on the phone with her (I talked to her about every other day) I asked her if she would like to join us at the baseball game this Sunday, Mother's Day. I thought since we have a new stadium here in DC and the fact that I know she likes baseball and would be able to see me and I would get to be with my family it would be a win/win. Not in her eyes apparently, she flatly turned me down and proceeded to say that since our argument 8 YEARS AGO!!!!, that Mothers Day really doesn't mean much to her. Ok I said, then she asked "are you going?" Well uh yeah that is why I asked you if you wanted to come I thought, but instead I said "I am not sure." I was pissed at myself because I should have said what I was thinking. It is my Mothers Day too and I want to spend it with my kids, and for the record it wouldn't have made a difference if I said come over for dinner, let's go shopping, or whatever because it isn't totally about her she isn't going to do anything.
But you think it ends there???? Oh no!!!!!!!
So I am in my office, and the phone rings, I can see it is my mom so I pick up thinking she may have had a change of heart. No she called to ask if I had bought the ferns I talked about last week then says, "Oh by the way don't send me flowers for mothers day, I have plenty of cut flowers in the house and I don't need it to look like a funeral home here." Oh course I have already ordered flowers! I responded "fine" then the conversation ended.
WTF!!!!! am I going to have to pay for this for the rest of my life???? I have apologized a gazillion times for the fight we had 8 years ago, I have tired to make up for it in every way possible but yet I keep getting smacked in the face by this woman. I have really had about enough with the games and truthfully if it weren't for the fact I am all the family this woman has I think I would just walk away. As I type this I can feel my blood pressure rising, my face getting red and my whole body tensing up.
In the past I have tried to go back after a conversation like this and tell her it hurts me but I always get the "well you should have thought of that before you did what you did speech" This time I feel like saying "whatever" and going about my Mothers Day the way I choose.
Thoughts???
22 comments:
There has to be a statute of limitations on this type of thing! For Pete's sake! I say quit asking her to spend Mother's Day with you, because it apparently doesn't mean too much to her anyway. Focus on it being your day with your kids. I know that stinks, but apparently that is the way she wants it to be. To tell you not to send flowers is rude, and the stubborn person in me would probably not send any for a truly long time...if ever again.
Go about Mother's day the way you choose. If she doesn't get that you are now a mother too then that's her problem. You can't keep paying for something that happened 8 years ago and be okay with it. I think any person in their right mind would understand that (I am not calling your mother insane.) I can tell from the post that your blood is boiling and that isn't healthy. Do what you want to do for mother's day, it's your day too.
No, this is clearly her problem. Isn't it the healthy plan for we mothers to let our children go and to develop their own lives, hoping that we have already created a relationship with them that will continue til the end.
She has hangups. If it makes you feel any better, my mom and I don't get along. SHe cancelled on me last mother's day to go with my nephew and his then girlfriend which now isi history. I can't even pick out a card for her without having a panic attack.
Life is too freakin' short.I say go do what you wanted to do on Mother's Day...if your mom is going to hold an EIGHT YEAR OLD issue over your head, it wouldn't be any different even if she did come on Mothers Day. SO go and have a great time with your kids and don't feel guilty.
I'm with everyone else. 8 years ago? She seriously needs to stop trying to manipulate you and let you be your own person. It is YOUR mother's day as well. For those of us who don't live by family, we send a small gift and spend the day celebrating Mother's Day Our way. Your were nice to even think of including her in your plans. But, they are YOUR plans, and if she wants to stop being so selfish, she can get off the couch and come with you! :)
So sorry about my airhead mistake on my blog! Yes, it was totally for you, I am just more than retarded. And, now I totally feel like crap because here you are having like the worst day, and then you read mine and see you are now called Karen. Which for the record, I don't think there even is a Karen who reads my blog! I left you an apology in my comments section! And again, please FORGIVE me for being a total complete idiot!!!!! Hope your day starts getting loads better! :)
Heavens to Betsey! That is something right outta my mom's playbook.
It just sucks, and guilt is eating her alive just as she is trying to feed it to you.
Ouch. I would go with your family on Mother's Day. Its your day, so enjoy it! I'd avoid my mom for a while if she treated me like that...its not worth it to get sucked into your mom's misery.
As hard as it is, I think I would quit trying to make plans with her on Mother's Day if you have to continue to hear about this thing from 8 years ago. You are a Mom now too and it is your day too. I would celebrate how you want and if she wants to come around and join you, then that's great. If not, at least you can say you had a lovely Mother's Day. No one needs all that drama. This sounds like her problem now. You need to just let go of it. You've said your sorry. I think that should be enough. Let the past be in the past.
Ladies,
I can't thank you enough for your words; I literally had to get up from my desk and close my office door because they moved me to tears. I guess in some strange way my post was to seek comfort and conformation. You all have provided that to me in so many ways I wish all of you whom I have gotten to know were close by so I could chat and hang out with you in person. Thanks I am starting to feel a bit better.
Oh, I'm sorry you have been going through this with your mother for all these years. Mother's can be so difficult and I really don't know that I have an answer for this, other than to say that if you love her - be careful - it's easy to severe relationships and sometimes not as easy to mend them - you know.
I hope it works out - I do.
Nice to see you - take care - Kellan
8 years ago you didn't do anything wrong. She was in the wrong going off on you like that. It's irrelevant how long ago it was. You have nothing to apologize for, especially if an apology means nothing to her.
Heh - and it is precisely this post that tells me why I'm glad Sumo is a boy and not a girl. Women drive each other insane! Lawd knows my mom drives me insane . . . utterly. EVERYTHING to her is some sort of affront - she's just so damn serious about everything! I remember she told me that some old relative of hers had receiveda card that said, "Happy birthday, you old fart" and the relative (and my mom) both found it offensive. I mean - can't you lighten up?!
If she keeps making a big deal out of it, be like - "I'm going to the baseball game and since you can't let an argument from 8 years ago go, then that's just how it's going to be. Call me when you're over it."
Well that bites big time, sorry your mom has this on going drama about something that happened 8 years ago, not fun
No thoughts sorry. I do have to say that I would of reacted just like you though!!
Your poor mom, it sounds like she needs a hobby and some more people in her life.
You are a wonderful daughter for putting up with her!
My mother is nuts as well. She stopped talking to me 6 months ago for something as small as yours. I can see that I'll be writing a post like yours in 8 years!
I hope you have a nice day anyway - I've decided to enjoy my day with or without her!
Say whatever and do what you want. Ps. a counselor could help -your mom seems extremely manipulative and you seem to let her. The answer to question is you are going to pay for it as long as you allow yourself to- "pay for it" isn't even the term I'd use because was going to church an hour late such a horrendous offense?
I would spend the day with your children. I am sorry your mom is acting like that. Just send her a gift and avoid her. Hopefully she will realize how she has been acting....maybe???
Great blog! I will be back.
Linda
Under different circumstances, I finally put my foot down with my own mother. We didn't speak for eight years. But I stood firm on the fact that a mother doesn't treat to her child the way she treated me. Complete strangers were treated better than I was. It took some time but I think she finally saw the toxic role she was playing in my life. She was the one who came back with an apology. Sometimes we have to draw a line. If she wants to act like this, regardless of your many apologies, then you offered, she declined, and I would go on with your plans, without her if that is her choice. Maybe she will eventually see that you won't allow her to treat you like this.
To your mom - let it go!
I hope you can still have a wonderful mother's day!
I believe we may have the same mother. Are you my sister? :)
Do what you want .. It is your Mother's Day now..
You are a Mother too and the day is also dedicated to YOU! Enjoy it with YOUR family and if she wants to miss out on a good time, it's her loss. Maybe in another 8 years she will realize that. I am sorry that she puts this guilt trip on you. I say keep the flowers you already ordered and enjoy them yourselves. Have fun at the baseball game!
LOL I think your mother and my mother were separated at birth maybe? ha!
Seriously, I don't know if someone else has commented on this because I didn't read them all, but my mother has been driving me insane for 37 years. My dad (they're divorced) has been telling me for years to just let it go. If you can't CHANGE something, then you have to LET IT GO. And there's no way this woman is going to change, so you just have to say screw it and let it go. It took me YEARS but I finally listened and took his advice and it's much easier now.
Yes, she still pisses me off so bad, but now it's just for a second and I tell myself, nope, not gonna do it and I put my mind on something else. It really works!
Corinna
www.myscrapbooklife.com
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