I like to say I have been lucky…...some tell me I have worked hard. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
My upbringing, has had it good and bad effects on my adulthood. Some of the negatives are I am not an emotionally engaged person., I tend to move things too fast and I surely don’t know when to say when. While I do show emotion and compassion, I do it at the moment and I move on. I’m a bit of a “suck it up you will be fine” person, I like to think I have gotten better as the years have passed but it is still and will be a work in progress. I am driven, while most would consider that good it has had it’s ill effects for me, I don’t know when to say enough is enough.
Growing up I always wanted to please, in order to please, I thought I had to do everything better than anyone else. I fell short in a lot of categories the main one being my education. I was never an A student. I was average and average was me really trying my best. I struggled in school, my struggle was not just because I wasn’t applying myself it was because I was missing some of the key fundamental foundations needed to succeed. I learned to compensate and I got by. However I was always bothered by it, I knew I was capable I just wasn’t able to prove it in the classroom.
So I turned to things I was good at, sports, work, and a host of other things. I excelled in sports, I was relentless, always trying to get to the next level, always trying to be the best. I was driven, very driven. This was my first taste of success growing up. I loved the praise and that I was finally able to make my mom happy.
As the years went on and I became an adult I continued to hone in on that drive, I applied it to everything, work, friendships, charity work, relationships…you name it I was going to concur it. I was going to prove I was the best and I was worthy of love and praise.
My hard work has come with a price at times, but for the most part came with great success. I have accomplished way more in my 40 short years than I could ever imagine. I have become a wife and mother of 3, I have volunteered with numerous organizations and I have been recognized for my volunteer achievements. I have been with a company nearly 15 years in which I have risen from a clerk type position to Vice President.
Yet I continue to want more….achieve more….. And I have had to ask myself why??? The person I was trying to prove I was worthy to is gone. I am driving myself into the ground trying to prove I can handle anything.
Recently I started to realize my success has come at a price, a price which has caused me recently to be less involved at home, less engaged in my own personal health, and most importantly less committed to those who I call friends.
A new year is just upon us and I am making a commitment to be a better mom, a better friend and most importantly better to myself. I don’t need to continue to climb mountains to prove who I am. I need to focus on maintaining who I am now and who I have become otherwise I fear I will be left with nothing.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Posted by Mom at 11:29 AM