The Daily Grind

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Victim of my own sucess......

I like to say I have been lucky…...some tell me I have worked hard. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I’ve written several posts about my childhood and what is was like to grown up with someone who was clearly angry and mentally ill. To me growing up my life was normal, though at times not ideal. I wasn’t aware until well into my 20’s that I was living in a very different and difficult family atmosphere.

My upbringing, has had it good and bad effects on my adulthood. Some of the negatives are I am not an emotionally engaged person., I tend to move things too fast and I surely don’t know when to say when. While I do show emotion and compassion, I do it at the moment and I move on. I’m a bit of a “suck it up you will be fine” person, I like to think I have gotten better as the years have passed but it is still and will be a work in progress. I am driven, while most would consider that good it has had it’s ill effects for me, I don’t know when to say enough is enough.

Growing up I always wanted to please, in order to please, I thought I had to do everything better than anyone else. I fell short in a lot of categories the main one being my education. I was never an A student. I was average and average was me really trying my best. I struggled in school, my struggle was not just because I wasn’t applying myself it was because I was missing some of the key fundamental foundations needed to succeed. I learned to compensate and I got by. However I was always bothered by it, I knew I was capable I just wasn’t able to prove it in the classroom.

So I turned to things I was good at, sports, work, and a host of other things. I excelled in sports, I was relentless, always trying to get to the next level, always trying to be the best. I was driven, very driven. This was my first taste of success growing up. I loved the praise and that I was finally able to make my mom happy.

As the years went on and I became an adult I continued to hone in on that drive, I applied it to everything, work, friendships, charity work, relationships…you name it I was going to concur it. I was going to prove I was the best and I was worthy of love and praise.

My hard work has come with a price at times, but for the most part came with great success. I have accomplished way more in my 40 short years than I could ever imagine. I have become a wife and mother of 3, I have volunteered with numerous organizations and I have been recognized for my volunteer achievements. I have been with a company nearly 15 years in which I have risen from a clerk type position to Vice President.

Yet I continue to want more….achieve more….. And I have had to ask myself why??? The person I was trying to prove I was worthy to is gone. I am driving myself into the ground trying to prove I can handle anything.

Recently I started to realize my success has come at a price, a price which has caused me recently to be less involved at home, less engaged in my own personal health, and most importantly less committed to those who I call friends.

A new year is just upon us and I am making a commitment to be a better mom, a better friend and most importantly better to myself. I don’t need to continue to climb mountains to prove who I am. I need to focus on maintaining who I am now and who I have become otherwise I fear I will be left with nothing.


Holly Rose said...

Steph, I definitely believe that what you have done is phenomenal. I always liked school but I never was able to translate that well into the workforce. And to be honest, it seems to count more there. At the end of the day, you are more accomplished then most of the people I know with masters degrees. You basically kick butt! I also do think you are a compassionate person and that suck it up attitude has probably allowed you to move beyond things that other people get stuck in. I tend to wallow too much in despair and need to suck it up more often . However I understand that you need to take time to focus on you. I think if you never accomplished another thing it wouldn't matter. You never need to prove you were worthy but for sure you have more than proved it at this point. I always had to prove my worth to my Mom as well and sadly I don't think I ever did. But now I know, it was never something I should have been required to prove. Thanks again for your awesome insights