The Daily Grind

Monday, September 1, 2014

New School Year Wishes


The clothes have been bought, the school supplies have been sorted, the backpacks packed and the lunches made and the clothes laid out. Tomorrow my 3 kids will ALL be in school!!  2 with new beginnings and new schools and one anxious to go back to his familiar surroundings.

I worked all day to get things just right. I have a process and it serves me well. I will take my "usual"  (insert kid eye roll here) first day picture and I will send them off nervous for all of them but anxious to hear all about their day. This year I wrote them all a letter which we read after dinner tonight and it is my new school year wishes for them.

 Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle,

You 3 are going to start school tomorrow, and you will find your own way and become more independent beings. As you begin 7th grade, 5th grade and Kindergarten,  these are the things I wish for you:

New school year wishes:

•That you enter the classroom with the same amount of fresh, creative ideas, confidence and beauty as you have when you come out of your bedrooms to greet me each summer morning

•That on that first morning you reconnect with old friends on the playground and find courage to make new ones

•That you greet your teacher with a big smile and say hello; show her you are excited and ready for the year

•That the textbooks you see on your desks for this year fill you with wonder and not with fear

•That you mind your manners, say please and thank you

•That you see the kids who might be having a hard time at school and reach out to be their friend

•That you pay attention and remember when it’s time for fun and when it’s time to learn

•That if another cuts in line or takes an extra turn, you do not get angry and realize that these are not important things

•That you take a moment to eat your lunch before running on the playground, so you can stay active in mind and in body

•That you learn the importance of managing your things; keep your desk, cubby, locker and backpack organized

•That you recognize the difference between kids who make good decisions and those who make bad. Choose wisely whom to admire

•That the hug that I give you tomorrow morning is tight enough and long enough to give you comfort if someone is unkind

•That you slowly realize that with each passing year you may move further away from my care, but never my love

Hugs and Kisses to you all and may this be the best year ever!!!






Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Words.......

Accountability
Stay
I take my chances
Lost
Just give me a reason
Signs
Bruises we all have them
Sometimes I think its better to never ask Why
We had it all
BFF
I can't be without
Betrayal
I'm only human
Say Something
These are the days  

Blame
Happiness
Find out who I am
Everything has changed
Timing
I need some understanding
Lucky
I run to you
Devastated
Humor and belly laughs


Never dreamed this could happen
I don't wanna fight anymore 
Anger
Resentment
Love
Embarrassment
Heartache
Forever intertwined
Fear of forever loss





Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Depression and it's not so pretty side ......

The topic of depression has been in the news for the last week and a half due to the death of Robin Williams. I sadly suffer from depression .... But it does not define me ......however that is not to say that it doesn't affect me.

I was diagnosed over 8 years ago.... It is a tough disease. It takes a hold of your life and there are good days and bad days and sometimes horrible days. 

Depression is real people.....just because someone appears to be fine on the outside that doesn't mean that everything is good on the inside. We suffer, sometimes openly and often times silently. Coping and concealing pain is a huge part of this illness. 

I have been lucky enough to have been given some tools to allow me to, for the most part, function with minimal depilation.  These tools include daily medication and meditation along with weekly therapy visits. In addition to acknowledging when I am feeling low and out of sorts. However, I have not done well in the communication department. Communicating to those you love that you  feel scared or are vulnerable is important and needed. However, for me it is a huge sign of weakness and weakness is NEVER what I want to portray .... Why you ask?? Because in my head and my past weakness gets you walked on and taking advantage of.... Sharing my thoughts and feelings has never resulted in positive outcome.

I had a particularly rough personal weekend before Robin Williams death and that Monday on my way home I remember thinking "what if I wasn't here anymore?" "what if I ran my car into the 18 wheeler next to me?" "Would anyone miss me?" I knew as I got closer to home that I needed to snap put of my funk but I wasn't sure what to do to achieve that..... My problems were starting to suffocate me. Within 30 min of being home the iPhone alert came across my phone about Robin. 

My heart sank..... That could have been me if I had let the feelings of just about an hour ago take  me over.... And my heart ached I knew in some small way the feelings that took over and brought Robin to the point of hopelessness.

This is a real disease people .... Don't assume that because people appear to be fine that they are!!!! I struggle more than I like because of the stress I bring to my life. While I have tried to de-stress and remove the stressors from my life I have not been able to and some of those stressors I just CANT live or do without... Trust me I have tried and I am better for it/them. What I need to do and am trying to achieve is balance. Balance is different for everyone... your balance may not be my balance and that is hard for those that love and care about me to understand.....

My point to this post is be aware and don't dismiss.... Be supportive and be understanding While it is ultimately up to the person who is suffering from this unfortunate illness they need help and can't always be the person you want them to be... 

Never stop trying to get through to those you love.... You might just save their life one day 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Overdue Explosion......

You think it will never happen....


you think you can suppress your feelings......

you can be the picture of perfectness.....

be the understanding one....

be the forgiving one.....

till one day the emotions have no where else to go.....

the bottle they are kept in is being shaken out of control

You explode......... 
you let the hurt and pain of nearly 5 years flow freely from your fists and your mouth

While I regret the explosion.....I don't regret the message

Never play russian roulette with someones heart and trust

Doing so will most certainly end in disaster

and while most disasters can be cleaned up

Some can't....ever!

Only time will tell......


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Female roto rooter.....

Several weeks ago I had a hysterectomy....while I am a bit on the young side it was something that was a long time coming and much needed. So in the hopes of helping others here is my story....

In my early 20's I had several female issues which caused me to have bad pap smears, which lead to cryo surgeries and cone biopsies. I was warned that should this continue it could pose a problem with me getting pregnant in the future or worse yet a fatal outcome if I ever chose to put my head in the sand and ignore it all together. Thankfully I was diligent and overtime the cryos worked and I went on to have 3 healthy pregnancies with sadly some miscarriages along the way.

Ever since I can remember I have had very heavy cycles. Early on I had several "accidents" and it set the stage for me to always be in constant fear during that time of the month. I spoke with each of my doctors over the years and they assured me that this was normal and that I was just one of the lucky ones who had heavy cycles. (I'm not sure lucky is how I would have described it!)

After my 3rd child I notice things started to take a different turn, sure I was still having heavy cycles but there was pain involved and clotting not to mention the lengthening of my cycle. I spoke candidly with my doctor about my issues and my concerns. Thankfully he was easy to talk to and was willing to work with my to try to find a solution based on the options out there.

First we tried several different types of birth control pills, none of them did much to help my heavy bleeding also my pain was continuing to get worse. Next we moved to an IUD, an IUD has been known to minimize cycles or have them stop all together. This would also be a longer term solution which would then be less expensive and more full proof. Unfortunately for me I was not a good candidate for the IUD as it did nothing to ease my issues if anything I felt as though it was making it worse.

In June of 2013 it was determined that I had an infection form the IUD and it needed to be removed. It was also when I found out I had many cysts on my ovaries which we ended up biopsying. Good thing because there were cancer cells present. In August that same year we removed them and proceeded with caution.

I continued to have my quarterly checkups all the while continuing to have increased pain and bleeding. The new wrinkle however was that I was now bleeding throughout the month with no defined cycle. It was unpredictable and painful and taking over my life.

In March of this year I had a medical episode in which I collapsed in my home. I hit my head and was taken to the hospital all tests run showed nothing wrong. The diagnosis was that I was stressed and exhausted. However one test showed puss in my urine. A second urinalysis a day later showed nothing.

At this point I was stumped and in my gut knew something was not right with my body. I took it upon myself to call my OBGYN and set up an appointment. Good thing I did we found a uterine infection (hence the puss in urine) a yeast infection and Bacteria Vaginosis.

We chatted at length about the issues I was continuing to have with my female plumbing. My doctor had talked about uterine ablassion where they burn the inner lining of the uterus in order to stop the heavy bleeding.

I was not looking forward to yet another procedure and was skeptical about its outcome giving the failures of my past options. It must have shown on my face because my Dr asked "Are you done having kids?" my response "yes, yes I am". It was then that he said maybe we should consider the hysterectomy route.

I was a prime candidate, based on all the issues above along with the fact my mother died of endometrial cancer and while that is not completely linked to heredity like breast cancer it did put me at a higher risk. Seemed to me the choice was obvious.

I am happy to say that I had the surgery and could not be happier. It brought to light that I had severe endometriosis along with adenomyosis and cancerous cells yet again on my cervix.

The recovery has been tough, I am a get up and go type person and this was major surgery. I still have days were I am exhausted but I have learned to scale back and listen to my body so that I may heal.


While going through this process it was made evident to me that we women suffer in silence a lot of times and don't communicate enough with each-other or our doctors. So ladies don't suffer talk to your girlfriends and your doctors because doing so just might save your life. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

To medium or not to medium............

Several weeks ago I did a Facebook post on mothers day. It was simple, it was a picture at my moms grave with a comment that said:

"My mom and I rarely saw eye to eye.....Mother's Day in my adult life with her was always a struggle never good enough for her..... However my mother is still my mother so today I went to pay respect to her..... "

What happened next was surprising and shocking to me all at the same time.

A friend of mine from High School reached out to me via a PM and in so many words shared with me that she is a medium. She is unaware of when and where such medium occurrences will happen, but that when she saw the headstone she " got a profound sense of regret and sadness" and that she felt strongly that if my mother could she would say "I'm Sorry" she went on to say :

"I'm actually feeling tears pricking at my eyes as I write this. I never knew your mother, I get the sense that she was a rigid woman. I also think that she kept a lot of her feelings for herself, and in many ways with like a man in how she expressed herself. I also think that that type of behavior can only come from having been through great pain. I do steal that you got the worst of it, whatever 'it' was. I think to having survived her, that has made you so successful today. Personally, I am so sorry for the pain that I'm feeling coming from  her in that post. But I can tell you that she loves you and is very very proud of you. I hope that comes as some consolation, and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. I know it's rather strange, but I felt something that you needed to hear"

I was reading this on my phone and literally dropped the phone when I read it. This person does not know my mother and has no idea of my childhood and what my relationship was with my mother. She went on to say some additional credible things about my mom and myself.

I will not get into all the details because some are VERY private and some are concerning. But I will say she hit the nail on the head and encouraged me to be open to receiving messages from my mom in whatever manner they should come.

Now before you click to get off this page let me be clear that this person is a well educated individual who holds a good job and was in no way shape or form trying to sell me something or have any other agenda. I believe her to be the real deal and legitimate in her reasons for reaching out to me.

It was not the right time for me to be open to such communication as I was days away from a Hysterectomy and I was truly trying to focus for once on me. Also it struck me that this was typical

of my mom to drop in at the 11th hour and "make nice" so to speak. I wasn't ready and I wasn't receptive.

That feeling was solidified for me the next morning when I was in my car with my ipod on shuffle and the Dixie chicks song "I'm not ready to make Nice" came on!!!

To those of you reading this it may all sound foolish to you but I believe that souls live on and I do believe we receive messages either via medium means or other from those who have passed on. While I have never sought to inquire with someone for this information, I do still find it incredibly interesting and wish a few folks in my life who have left me would reach out or send me a sign....Just so I know I am on the right path or have some sense of closure.

As for my mom, I think only time will heal open wounds and when I am ready to receive her I will. though knowing her it will be a "cold day in hell" (she used to say that all the time) before she reaches back out again. But when she does maybe then I will be ready.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Why Motherhood has made me loose my mind.....

As I looked at the calendar for the upcoming week  I said to myself could we have any more "stuff" to do??? Note to self don't ask that question because you will jinx yourself and more "Stuff" will be piled on. So the week looked like this:


Monday - The Usual School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice.... and Dive practice....

Tuesday-  School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Wednesday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Thursday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Friday- School and Work-- followed by Swim practice.... Dive practice..... first showing of the Play @7pm!!!

Saturday- Swim time trials @ 7:30am ..... Play matinee drop off @10:30am ....Play @ 1pm.....Baseball Playoffs @ 3pm.......Final showing of the play @ 7pm..

Sunday- Fathers Day!! and I collapse

Did I happen to mention that my husband is out of town at his annual PhD retreat/class this week? So all of this is on my own solo. Hectic doesn't even come close to describing what this week is going to look like......

See you on the other side ............Hopefully!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Animals.....

I am a lover of all things animal.....except when it comes to lizards, snakes and any sort of creepy bug.

I have heard several stories and seen many pictures on Facebook over the last few weeks about black snakes.

As a matter of fact just last night my husband and I had a conversation about them while sitting on our newly rearranged back deck.

So imagine my surprise when I walked out the door this morning to get the dogs to come back in the house and I see this ........ several feet away from me.






Of course my youngest who happened to be here with me was all about wanting  to touch it and talked to it like it was a furry little puppy which made me want to gag even more.

I am happy to say Mr snake took off for the woods behind my house and while I know they are great for rodents I will take the mice over a snake ANY DAY!!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mothers Day 2014

Mothers day for the last 16 years has been filled with some sort of strife for me...
If it wasn't the colossal fight I had 16 years ago it was the fall out from it, or my own disappointment in my mothers day, or dealing with the grief of no longer having a mother.

I wrote a post 5 years ago called Why I hate Mothers Day Little did I know the following year would be my last mothers day with my mom. I don't regret the post it is how I felt and I don't believe anyone should regret or apologize for how they feel.

In the years since my mothers death I have learned to understand and in some respects forgive the relationship we had or didn't have.  I have taken the words of encouragement and sympathy for my struggle over the years to heart. I have started to believe I was the best daughter I could have been, I stood by my mom even when many didn't and wouldn't. I was loyal and while some of that loyalty came from fear it taught me that your family regardless is what is most important.

This Mothers Day the pain is a bit less and I have learned to embrace my Mothers Day and my kids as well as my feelings towards my mother. So Happy Mothers day to all you Mommy bloggers and to all my Mommy Friends!


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Say things you mean to you say.......

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say…
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open…
John Mayer- Say 
True to life, these lyrics are the epitome of sage advice for anyone. You find it difficult to say what's on your mind and in your heart. At times, you hold onto everything until it crushes you. So say what you mean and mean what you say. But say what you mean with tact because words, once uttered, can't be undone. Words hang out in the air lingering forever. Words create confidence, trust, friendship, love, but they also create hate, distrust and venom. Speak to those you love as if it is your last conversation... in doing so you will ensure those you love are not destroyed by your words because if you knew it was your last conversation....... wouldn't you want it to be one of........... Love

Friday, May 2, 2014

Who do you write about???

I have a few friends who read my blog and often ask who I am writing about. The truth is there is not one

person I am writing about. My writing and my retelling of experiences and feelings is about many aspects of my life from my personal friendships, to my work, to my marriage, to my processing of my relationship with my mom and others. My writing doesn't always mean things are taking place in the present  but rather I am dealing with them in the present.

Writing provides one of many ways for me to release some of my inner feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. There is something about pounding out a story on the keyboard that is cathartic to me. Along the way I have "virtually" met some very cool people, who have not only helped me but I have been able to help them as well.

What is great about these friendships is they were built not because they know what I look like, or what I drive, or where I live,  or what my job is but rather they were built on common thoughts, problems and observations. All of which we have been able to share and work on together. 

So to those that worry, please don't, all is well ...... 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

All Things Cruise.....

I think we have started a tradition for our spring breaks.....

For the last 2 years we have taken a cruise and the kids absolutely love it and it is a relatively relaxing vacation for us. Here are some candid and not so candid pictures from our week of fun......

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Friday, April 25, 2014

Upside down and Sideways

What do you do when you world is shaken upside down and sideways like a snow globe?

How do you get back on track?

Most times we are able to shake it off

Dust ourselves off and move on

But what happens when you just cant shake the change?

When you try to forget

You try to move on

But it taunts you

it haunts you and

ultimately consumes you?

I don't have the answers but if you do please share.......



Monday, April 21, 2014

I have so many posts ready to go but I felt I had to write about Boston today.....


As a runner it is the Superbowl of running. I for one know I will never run in Boston, if I run a marathon at all. But there is something magical about the Boston Marathon and when that magic was shattered last year by 2 very radical and horrid people it struck a chord in runners and non runners alike.

My heart goes out to all those who were affected by the tragic events of last year, this event and its anniversary is not one I would wish on anyone. It is one of those events were I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news... (sitting in my office) then I remember trying to find out if those I knew running were safe. Then I like so many others were glued to the news reports and the subsequent death and capture of the perpetrators.

The intent of these men was to destroy the Boston Marathon, hurt as many people as possible and to break our American spirit. While they may have succeeded in the short term they have not prevailed in the long term. See they messed with the wrong group of people, runners are ridiculously mentally tough it is part of their DNA and the City of Boston, well it is tight knit and loyal to the core. Their actions while horrific only proved to us and the world that we are better together then we are apart and that together we can overcome anything that life’s throws our way.

 

 



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I just wish I knew why

I wish I knew why things happen the way they do....
Or why people act and react the way they do....
If I did.....
it would help me reconcile the actions of so many people in my life
Why is it, it is so easy to praise one minute and belittle the next?

I don't want to fight.....
I don't want to sling mud......
I want to live happy..... free of anger and venom
Those traits get you nothing but pain and heartache.....
I just want to be happy
I want to be carefree
I want to laugh at the ridiculous things
Make fun of the silly and absurd things
Vent about the things that anger or sadden me.....
Without fear of it being regurgitated spitefully when life gets heated
Is that really too much to ask?

Sure we all get a upset..... We all get angry.... We all make mistakes
But it's how we deal with those issues and treat people during those times that
determines if we stay or flee to higher and safer ground....


I want peace.....

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Wake up calls.....

No I am not talking about the type of wake up call you get to start your day when you are traveling. this wake up call was one of self reflection.... and in my opinion probably way over due.

Hard charging..... a simple 2 word phrase which has been used to describe me.
another 2 word phrase to describe me....Hard headed..... both are correct

Over a month ago I was standing in my kitchen and I suddenly collapsed.... in front of my kids.....with no other adult home.....

To say I scared the crap out of them would be an understatement. I was lucky my kids knew just want to do and sprang into action calling my husband and getting 911 to the house to help.

I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital where I had no less than a bazillion tests run, needles stuck in me and x-rays taken and 20,000 questions asked.

The end result.... no reason for the collapse. My fluids were fine, my chest was fine, my blood work was ok... there was a sign of infection but not one of significance and no known cause.

Bottom line diagnosis...... exhaustion.....fatigue....stress..... and a possible unknown illness. Oh and lets not forget the goose egg to my head and massive concussion and crack from striking the granite counter top with great force of which I am still trying to recover from, apparently large trees such as myself fall hard!

I was told I would need to go through a battery of more tests to determine, if my heart was ok, if my sugars, were right,if I had had a seizure or  if there was a mass in my head... the list goes on and on....

I was told to take a week off, rest regroup... relax..

None of these things I do well and it is not until I am pushed to the brink that I finally take heed. Physically I push myself to the limit, mentally I push myself to the limit, and emotionally I push myself to the limit. The difference is I usually only focus on one of those limit pushing activities at a time. This time life was a perfect storm and my body said enough already!

I have some health issues I am addressing instead of burying my head in the sand  and being much more proactive in light of what has happened last month and in the last year. I've slowed down a bit and given myself a break, I won't say its easy and I won't tell you I am enjoying it. However, I don't ever want to see the fear that I saw in my older 2 kids eyes when they were wheeling me out of the house on a stretcher. Life's to short and I need to be there for all of them... my life revolves around them and their happiness and no job, or stress or emotional baggage, or physical achievement is worth risking being here for them.

So my wake call was heard and answered though I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to slam the phone down and get back to me.....


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Music Music and More Music

I love Music....

I love to sing and dance (when I am alone)

I love to feel he beat of the music

I love to listen to the lyrics

I simply love music.

I sing like a mad woman in my car to and from work

I sing in the house when I know on one is there to catch me


I play songs over and over to feel the music to understand the lyrics and what they are meant to say

I'm into all kinds of music

My ipod on shuffle woudl give some folks whip lash

My kids love to sing with me, it is not unusal to see my car wizing by with at least one person in it singing.

We all love music!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

10% Happier.....

Couldn't we all use 10% more happiness???

Recently while I had some down time I saw a segment by Dan Harris of ABC News on his new book 10% happier....

The segment did what it was intended to do in that it sold me on the idea I needed to read this book.

In the segments on the book there was reference to meditation. I for one was not one who you would ever find meditating. I can't slow down to go to the bathroom let alone sit and meditate. I am always telling myself there is something that needs to get done or something I need to think about or plan. So while I was interested in the book I was afraid I would tire of it if it was going to have my sitting crossed legged, burning incense and chanting.

The book was a quick read and I devoured it in 2 days... a record for me but then it did help that I had a lot of time on my hands :) (that's for another post)

I found I was able to so identify with Harris's inner voice that he spoke of  that it was almost scary, however it was also intriguing. I was certainly at a point where I could use a little more happiness (can't we all?).

As I read the book I realized that I too had a voice in my head, and no I don't mean crazy voices,  and it was occupying a little more time and space than she  truly deserved. The nagging little voice causes me to over think, over strategize and be just plain over the top about stuff!!

Don't get me wrong if you have read other posts of mine, you know that I blame a lot of my drive on the fact that I was always trying to please. I still believe that to be true but I also now believe that the inner voice in my head, lets call her Wanda, likes to take my pleasing desire and kick it p to another level.

Why on earth would I fret over what was said in a meeting and how I should interrupt it, or worry that if I make a mistake I will be fired or here's a good one, what my house looks like when the cleaning people come? Why???? because Wanda was there helping me to go through every possible scenario and some that were far fetched in an effort to be in control and plan out my next move. It was causing me to be a bit frantic and ridged abut even the little stuff. No Bueno!!!!!

Wanda has clearly been working overtime in my life for quite sometime and it was time to shut her down or at least tame her a bit.

So I continued to read the book, I learned about meditation and  I let Harris take me on his journey, letting

him try the different techniques out. Some were far fetched and absurd, others made sense. So I kept reading and reading and reading.

What I found is that I was willing to try this medication thing, to allow me time to kick Wanda out for a bit and just let things be still.

I started with 5 mins, I should say I struggled through 5 minutes. Then I worked my way to 8 then to 10 and then to 12 and now I sit at 15 min. 15 min may not seem like a lot and I certainly didn't think it was until I had to sit still and only focus on my breath and then actually refocus when my mind started to wander back to life or Wanda and her craziness.

What I found though as I did this each day is that it calmed me down a bit, it allowed me to stop and be in the moment and be mindful of what I was doing instead of going through the motions in an effort to get to the next task.

I, like Harris, will tell you it is not a cure all and I still do a will struggle with my need to please and my friend Wanda who sends that over the top, but I am more aware of the need to be still and be in the moment and that is something that has not been there in a really long time.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

12 years ago today....

12 years ago today I was sitting in a hospital room unsure of what the next several hours would hold. I was praying that that you would arrive healthy and that I would be able to deliver you with little to no complication.

Your arrival was one of the greatest moments of my life... your arrival meant I was a mother, it was then and there I understood unconditional love... the type of love that would make me lay my life down for yours in the blink of an eye.

You have taught me so much over the years, your zest for life and your quirkiness bring a smile to my face each day. Your determination to conquer your short comings inspires me. Your huge heart and kindness towards people melts my heart.

I have been so very blessed to call you daughter and I look forward to all the years to come as you grow and blossom into a young woman. I pray that I am able to be there every step of the way and that your zest, persistence and big heart guide you to great things!

I love you my sweet girl,
Love Mom

Saturday, March 29, 2014

You Lied......


You said you cared about me yet your actions showed me otherwise....

You broke me down and built me up time and time again...

You said you would always be there no matter what...

You broke my spirit ...

You took my trust.....

You robbed me ....

Yet I took the abuse..

I allowed myself to be broken....

I was too weak to stand up but too scared to give up....

I will carry you with me forever, though I am not sure how....