It is no secret I go to therapy; I do so because I want to make myself better. I want to understand who I am and how I tick. I am not ashamed of it and I encourage it not only for me but for those I care about and heck those I don’t even know.
Therapy is never easy, some days nothing comes of it, and some days it’s as if I just had a sit down with an old friend, and other days it comes with a flood of emotions and still other days a sense of clarity.... and them sometimes fear.
Several months ago my therapist encouraged me to write a letter outlining what I would say to me and others now....
Below is the first of those letters (and there are many, most of which will never see the light of day). Yes, I know it is angry and it was written with a lot of raw emotion.... emotion that I try so very hard to temper and even in rereading this months later I realize I was still tempering when writing. This letter was to my mother and says what I would say to her now if I could.
This is the next step in my therapeutic journey... There will be more to come
I'll admit it I hated you........
I have lived my entire life in a state of anger.... Sure along the way I found glimmers of happiness but in the background there was always pain, hate and anger. I've been lucky in that I have been able to function. In recent years I needed to seek the help of not only medications but also psychotherapy.
It hasn't been until recently where my love and commitment to people have been tested that I realized how much you scarred me and what a ridiculously demonistic impact you had in my life. I hate you for what you put me through and I hate you for the insecure person you made me.
People look at me and think I am strong and tough and able to handle anything and that is nothing but a façade. I learned from an early age to mask my feelings. Whether it be because I was embarrassed because you were mean and hateful to me and those I loved, or because you had to raise me without a father, or because you had many issues for which you blamed me or, just plain crazy. You would impacted every part of my life from elementary school to adulthood and there's no amount of love or compassion or caring or boasting you could've done to people about me that could make up for the years of torture you put me through growing up.
That torture, both physical and mentally has shaped the person I've become. While in some ways it has helped me to rise to become a better person and achieve levels I never knew, it has also haunted me for years. To this day, it impacts every relationship and interaction I have with people regardless of it is business or personal, and it's sometimes more than I can bear.
I have lost people in my life who have meant so much to me because I'm either unable to articulate to them how I feel, or scared, or just plain inept, because of the incredible agony you put me through growing up. I hate that you have made me lose relationships throughout my life that meant the world to me because I'm unable to show and verbalize to people what they mean to me or make sense of it.
I am done having you run my life and while I say I'm done I know you will forever haunt me and those are demons that I need to fight and I will continue to fight for the rest of my life. But I refuse to pass those demons on to my children because they deserve better and they deserve a mom who is better. I HAVE broken the cycle but I will now annihilate it! I hope wherever you are, that you are dealing in some way or fashion for all of the suffering you put me through and continue to put me through.
You have consumed nearly half my life and I will do everything in my power to see that you don't continue to run and ruin my life from the grave. Today, I let you go, I reclaim me and I work to be the person I want to be, I will live for me and for want I want, and while it may not always fit the perfect mold it will fit my mold...me and who I want to be. And she is not perfect nor does she want to be anymore… she wants to live!!!!!!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Posted by Mom at 3:33 PM
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
We traveled up to Snowy NY for thanksgiving with Family and I drove in my first significant NY snow ever. Let’s say I am not looking to do that again anytime soon:)
Posted by Mom at 2:09 PM
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Posted by Mom at 4:13 PM
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I feel the need to write a blog post to memorialize the hard work my oldest daughter Lauren is putting forward in her in here quest to get straight A's in middle school.
Posted by Mom at 12:53 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
I've lived in the DC area all my life..... DC is great, it holds our country's history and there is so much to do, be it visiting the government houses of one of the worlds super powers, or going to a sold out sports stadium, or the fabulous museums we have.
The last 3 days I have spent in Boston, enjoying the people, places, sounds and smells, and yes some of the traffic.
I spent several hours in Boston Common walking and sitting, thinking, taking it all in enjoying the clam of others and the reduction of the constant hustle bustle of city folks. I can't tell you the last time I sat in a park and did just that....sit! Its a sure bet if I am at a park I am either there for an event be it a race, a kids sporting event or some festival. I don't have the time to just go to go. But I also realize I don't want to when I am in DC.
I found myself walking to restaurants, to the Common, to Starbucks and to shopping. I wasn't scared or afraid I was simply blissful as though I had just been wrapped in a giant comfy blanket.
DC will always be home.... but if given a choice to have a new home city .. I would go with Boston hands down!
Posted by Mom at 5:28 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I've been blessed to be a mom for nearly 13 years. In that time I have known incredible love like no other and been scared out of my mind at times as well. Parenting is no easy task, there is no step by step manual and each child and circumstance is different.
I was not very sure of myself when I became a mom. I was terrified I would screw things up. I knew I didn't want to be the mom my mom was, but I didn't know how I was going to achieve not being her. I had an ideal vision of the mom I wanted to be.... Think Leave it to Beaver or Mrs Brady, I wanted to be the cool, clam, level headed parent whose kids adored her.
I soon realized those visions are not always reality, and that some of the arguments and fights with my mom were not because she was mean or unstable but yet trying to be a parent. Being a parent isn't always sunshine and roses, kids will disobey you, they will disappoint you and at times you will become physically and emotional exhausted parenting them.
I've learned that if those feelings are there it's a pretty good bet that you are doing a good job as a parent. I'm not my kids best friend (yet) and I make them do things they don't like, but I am hopefully preparing them for the world with the best tools I have to offer. My love, my compassion, my discipline and my wisdom. There will come a time where I hope to be their best friend. However for now I am happy being mom and hopefully in the end giving the world 3 bright, loving, compassionate, thoughtful human beings.
To my 3 loves Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle, know I love you with all my heart and everything I do is for you. You all bring me such joy and happiness, and my heart is overflowing with love from you all!
Posted by Mom at 3:18 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Posted by Mom at 11:08 AM
Monday, September 1, 2014
Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle,
Hugs and Kisses to you all and may this be the best year ever!!!
Posted by Mom at 6:47 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I take my chances
Just give me a reason
Bruises we all have them
Sometimes I think its better to never ask Why
We had it all
I can't be without
I'm only human
These are the days
Find out who I am
Everything has changed
I need some understanding
I run to you
Humor and belly laughs
Never dreamed this could happen
I don't wanna fight anymore
Fear of forever loss
Posted by Mom at 3:16 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Posted by Mom at 10:49 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2014
You think it will never happen....
you think you can suppress your feelings......
you can be the picture of perfectness.....
be the understanding one....
be the forgiving one.....
till one day the emotions have no where else to go.....
the bottle they are kept in is being shaken out of control
you let the hurt and pain of nearly 5 years flow freely from your fists and your mouth
While I regret the explosion.....I don't regret the message
Never play russian roulette with someones heart and trust
Doing so will most certainly end in disaster
and while most disasters can be cleaned up
Only time will tell......
Posted by Mom at 4:29 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Posted by Mom at 2:58 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Several weeks ago I did a Facebook post on mothers day. It was simple, it was a picture at my moms grave with a comment that said:
"My mom and I rarely saw eye to eye.....Mother's Day in my adult life with her was always a struggle never good enough for her..... However my mother is still my mother so today I went to pay respect to her..... "
What happened next was surprising and shocking to me all at the same time.
A friend of mine from High School reached out to me via a PM and in so many words shared with me that she is a medium. She is unaware of when and where such medium occurrences will happen, but that when she saw the headstone she " got a profound sense of regret and sadness" and that she felt strongly that if my mother could she would say "I'm Sorry" she went on to say :
"I'm actually feeling tears pricking at my eyes as I write this. I never knew your mother, I get the sense that she was a rigid woman. I also think that she kept a lot of her feelings for herself, and in many ways with like a man in how she expressed herself. I also think that that type of behavior can only come from having been through great pain. I do steal that you got the worst of it, whatever 'it' was. I think to having survived her, that has made you so successful today. Personally, I am so sorry for the pain that I'm feeling coming from her in that post. But I can tell you that she loves you and is very very proud of you. I hope that comes as some consolation, and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. I know it's rather strange, but I felt something that you needed to hear"
I was reading this on my phone and literally dropped the phone when I read it. This person does not know my mother and has no idea of my childhood and what my relationship was with my mother. She went on to say some additional credible things about my mom and myself.
I will not get into all the details because some are VERY private and some are concerning. But I will say she hit the nail on the head and encouraged me to be open to receiving messages from my mom in whatever manner they should come.
Now before you click to get off this page let me be clear that this person is a well educated individual who holds a good job and was in no way shape or form trying to sell me something or have any other agenda. I believe her to be the real deal and legitimate in her reasons for reaching out to me.
It was not the right time for me to be open to such communication as I was days away from a Hysterectomy and I was truly trying to focus for once on me. Also it struck me that this was typical
of my mom to drop in at the 11th hour and "make nice" so to speak. I wasn't ready and I wasn't receptive.
That feeling was solidified for me the next morning when I was in my car with my ipod on shuffle and the Dixie chicks song "I'm not ready to make Nice" came on!!!
To those of you reading this it may all sound foolish to you but I believe that souls live on and I do believe we receive messages either via medium means or other from those who have passed on. While I have never sought to inquire with someone for this information, I do still find it incredibly interesting and wish a few folks in my life who have left me would reach out or send me a sign....Just so I know I am on the right path or have some sense of closure.
As for my mom, I think only time will heal open wounds and when I am ready to receive her I will. though knowing her it will be a "cold day in hell" (she used to say that all the time) before she reaches back out again. But when she does maybe then I will be ready.
Posted by Mom at 12:27 PM
Sunday, June 8, 2014
As I looked at the calendar for the upcoming week I said to myself could we have any more "stuff" to do??? Note to self don't ask that question because you will jinx yourself and more "Stuff" will be piled on. So the week looked like this:
Monday - The Usual School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice.... and Dive practice....
Tuesday- School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Wednesday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Thursday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Friday- School and Work-- followed by Swim practice.... Dive practice..... first showing of the Play @7pm!!!
Saturday- Swim time trials @ 7:30am ..... Play matinee drop off @10:30am ....Play @ 1pm.....Baseball Playoffs @ 3pm.......Final showing of the play @ 7pm..
Sunday- Fathers Day!! and I collapse
Did I happen to mention that my husband is out of town at his annual PhD retreat/class this week? So all of this is on my own solo. Hectic doesn't even come close to describing what this week is going to look like......
See you on the other side ............Hopefully!!!!!!
Posted by Mom at 9:46 AM
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I am a lover of all things animal.....except when it comes to lizards, snakes and any sort of creepy bug.
I have heard several stories and seen many pictures on Facebook over the last few weeks about black snakes.
As a matter of fact just last night my husband and I had a conversation about them while sitting on our newly rearranged back deck.
So imagine my surprise when I walked out the door this morning to get the dogs to come back in the house and I see this ........ several feet away from me.
Of course my youngest who happened to be here with me was all about wanting to touch it and talked to it like it was a furry little puppy which made me want to gag even more.
I am happy to say Mr snake took off for the woods behind my house and while I know they are great for rodents I will take the mice over a snake ANY DAY!!
Posted by Mom at 4:39 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mothers day for the last 16 years has been filled with some sort of strife for me...
If it wasn't the colossal fight I had 16 years ago it was the fall out from it, or my own disappointment in my mothers day, or dealing with the grief of no longer having a mother.
I wrote a post 5 years ago called Why I hate Mothers Day Little did I know the following year would be my last mothers day with my mom. I don't regret the post it is how I felt and I don't believe anyone should regret or apologize for how they feel.
In the years since my mothers death I have learned to understand and in some respects forgive the relationship we had or didn't have. I have taken the words of encouragement and sympathy for my struggle over the years to heart. I have started to believe I was the best daughter I could have been, I stood by my mom even when many didn't and wouldn't. I was loyal and while some of that loyalty came from fear it taught me that your family regardless is what is most important.
This Mothers Day the pain is a bit less and I have learned to embrace my Mothers Day and my kids as well as my feelings towards my mother. So Happy Mothers day to all you Mommy bloggers and to all my Mommy Friends!
Posted by Mom at 5:16 PM
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
I have a few friends who read my blog and often ask who I am writing about. The truth is there is not one
Posted by Mom at 6:25 AM
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I think we have started a tradition for our spring breaks.....
For the last 2 years we have taken a cruise and the kids absolutely love it and it is a relatively relaxing vacation for us. Here are some candid and not so candid pictures from our week of fun......
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Posted by Mom at 7:06 AM
Friday, April 25, 2014
What do you do when you world is shaken upside down and sideways like a snow globe?
How do you get back on track?
Most times we are able to shake it off
Dust ourselves off and move on
But what happens when you just cant shake the change?
When you try to forget
You try to move on
But it taunts you
it haunts you and
ultimately consumes you?
I don't have the answers but if you do please share.......
Posted by Mom at 5:54 PM